14 Aug How I Fought Depression During Miscarriage

Wedding is one of the biggest day in a girl’s life. Another big day in her life comes when she becomes a mother. The feeling of holding the newly born in your hands cannot be explained. When she comes to know about her pregnancy test being positive, her excitement and happiness begins there and then. Her partner and other members of the family also get equally excited. After all, a new member will soon be a part of their happy family. But sometimes, your happiness gets snatched away and no one knows why. The baby who is yet to step in the real world gets snatched away from its parents.

When a women suffers from a miscarriage, she goes through a trauma. But she has to fight it, no matter how hard it is for the sake of her family. Here is my story when I fought with my depression during miscarriage.

One fine day, I remember every single moment of it, I was on cloud nine because my pregnancy test turned out to be positive. I shared this news with my husband and he couldn’t control his happiness too. We decided that we would not disclose this news to anyone except our parents for at least 3 months since we were afraid of being afflicted by the evil’s eye. Sounds so weird now though. We already had a sweet 4 year old daughter and this was going to be our second child. Still, our level of happiness and excitement was sky high.

Days passed by. I took good care of myself. My husband ensured that I eat just healthy food and do not take any stress. He used to look after our daughter, get her ready and send her to school on most days. He also used to look after her studies. Everything was going well. Everyone was happy. Then came a day when I was going to hear the heartbeat of my baby for the first time. We had already started discussing names that you would keep for our child. I was excited but my excitement came crashing down. The baby was gone. I was devastated. I did not know what to do. Although I never the saw the baby but it was a part of me. I got attached to it. I could not think of anything except the baby. We were all grief-stricken, but we knew they we had to move on. We tried to pick up our broken pieces and stitch them together. This was not easy, especially for me. It was an emotional setback for me. I kept on thinking about the baby day and night. I used to blame myself for doing something or the other wrong in taking care of myself. This led to severe depression. I was so depressed that I thought of committing suicide. But then the thought of my daughter crossed my mind and I realized that I have to live for the sake of my daughter. Killing myself was not the solution. Hence, I decided to live but with secret grief and regrets.

Like everyone, I too have some special people in my life. One morning I woke up and found a basket of chocolates on the dining table. There was also a note on which it was written, “We are with you.” I found it to be a really sweet gesture and realized that it was from my husband. My mother came to stay with me for a few days without even asking me. I needed her very much at that moment. That moment I realised that just like I needed my mother, how much would my 4 year old need me? Hence I decided to fight my depression. I started meditating as I believed that meditation is the best way to fight depression and discover true happiness. The few moments that I spent meditating let me comfort myself with what I have. I started focusing on the present moment and I started gaining hope. Meditation fought all my negative thoughts. Though it was tough initially, I gradually learnt to accept what had happened and cherish what I have with me. One of my old friends, who too had a miscarriage few years back sent me a bouquet with a note which read, “I know it sucks but you have to be forget it and move on for the people you love and who love you unconditionally.” The note had plain truth and nothing was sugar-coated. I realised that sometimes unwanted events happen, but life must not stop. It must go own with happy thoughts leaving behind the sad ones.

I starting taking more care of my daughter. I spent most my day with her. Took her to parks every day, played with her. My husband was rock solid behind me. Those days, he could do anything for my happiness. I started sketching, a childhood passion that I had lost in the journey. Today, our house is filled with my art-work.

I also share my experiences and learning with other women who are going through the same phase after miscarriage and show them the light with meditation.

About the Author: Alia Jasmine
Alia is a resident of New Delhi, India and she is a contributing member of our Science Behind Aware team.

Follow us on SoundCloud for free guided meditation sessions!